The Customer Satisfaction Saga

So a while ago, I paid in a cheque at my then-local bank branch. It was an extremely ordinary experience. I walked to the bank (having, admittedly, had to take a bus several miles to find a branch), joined a short queue, and went to a counter. I handed the staff a cheque and my account card, and asked her to pay the former into the latter. She did. I left.

A few days later, I was invited to complete a survey about my experience. This intrigued me, and so I did. I hadn't realised cheque-paying-in was considered such a pivotal moment.

What followed, sadly but inevitably, were a series of questions that proved surprisingly difficult to answer. Sadly I no longer have access to the actual questions, but I recall most of them being about rating things on a 1-5 scale, from the friendliness of the staff to how much I felt they cared about resolving my problem. Had I taken any leaflets with me? (I had not). How pleased was I with the time taken, with the facilities, with the hairstyles of the staff?

Eventually it all got a bit much for me, and the inevitable dam burst, right about here:

How satisfied were you with the overall service you received?

4

What could we have done for you to rate it a five?

Look, don't feel bad. There's only so enjoyable you can make paying in a cheque. There's really no opportunity to turn that into a memorable and anecdote-worthy occasion, short of taking the opportunity to set me up with another single customer in what will be the start of a passionate and enduring romance. THEN maybe we'd look back on this cheque-paying-in experience fifty years from now and tell our grandchildren how Anna changed our lives that day. We'd raise our glasses to the wedding photo on the mantlepiece (digital by then of course - not just the photo, but the mantlepiece, and probably the whole house) where Anna stood beaming beside us, still wearing her nametag, now promoted to Senior Romance Executive.

I mean, you have my contact details, and a massive customer database full of eminently-matchable transaction histories. The option's still open to you, is what I'm saying. That five is within your grasp. Reach out, and seize the future.

I have, as yet, received no reply. I understand some of these algorithms are very complex, and a lot of banks seem to have very old computers. I remain optimistic.