Sunday 15 June 2014

Yn elefant, ny doail as ny caghlaaghyn Uss

Blind monks examining an elephant

Dooyrt carrey aym red ennagh er y gherrid. Ta ayrnyn jeu ny s'feerey tra t'ad marish nyn ayr as moir, ny marish y çheshey, ny marish caarjyn er lheh.

Some parts of me are more real when I'm with my parents, or with my partner, or certain friends. I have seen this in my parents, too. It's never occurred to me to behave otherwise.

S'ainjyssagh dou yn ennaghtyn shen. Hoig mee foddey erash dy nee mish elley t'ayn ny keayrtyn; ny ny share, dy vel caghlaaghyn mish ayn as ta'n fer smoo baghtal jeu croghey er quoi t'ayn. Tra ta mee loayrt rish moir my ayrey, she mish mwannalagh agh kiart t'ayn; shimmey spotçh graihagh ta mee jannoo, as blass paitçhagh er, agh ta mee erreeishagh chammah, son ta mee cloie paart oe daaney ayns lught-thie cooyrtoil dy liooar. Tra ta mee loayrt rish moir my vayrey, she mish pragmatagh, granganagh, breeoil as kione-daaney t'ayn, as blass Lancashire er y Vaarle aym; ta mee cloie paart fer aasit ayns lught-thie ta cur towse dty hengey dauesyn ta graih ayd orroo, as geddyn y red cheddin erash.

'Syn obbyr, ta mee my Scouser gennal cour ny studeyryn goan ass y heear-hwoaie, as my 'er keirdey cooyrtoil cour ny shenn ollooyn. She mish jeeragh t'ayn mastey kuse dy chaarjyn, as s'oayllagh dou stiurey ny ta shin jannoo; mastey caarjyn elley, ta mee my host dy mennick as share lhiam geiyrt orroo na stiurey. Ta mee çhebbal geaylin da shiartanse dy 'leih croghey urree, as ta mish croghey er geayltyn elley tra fa feme aym.

Agh cha nee breag t'ayn, ny red ennagh myr shen. Vel enney ayd er skeeal yn elefant as ny doail? Er lhiam dy nee cosoylaghey mie t'ayn. She elefant Uss, as gollrish beinn rioee...

S'baghtal dou dy vel y macsoyley shoh çheet dy ve lane chramp, agh lhiggey dou rish tammylt.

She elefant-beinn-rioee Uss. Ta'n chooid smoo jeed ass shilley, as cha nel co-heks ennagh soilshaghey magh agh un eddin jeed.

Augh.

She elefant-beinn-rioee-gruaieagh Uss. Gollrish y fer shoh, agh ass rio. Ta'n chooid smoo jeed ass shilley, as cha nel co-heks ennagh soilshaghey magh agh un eddin jeed. T'ou feddyn magh towl cooie dhyt 'sy cho-heks, gollrish y ghoog shoh.

...

Eaisht. T'ou Uss gollrish elefant-beinn-rioee gruaieagh, as ta possan sheshoil gollrish boayrd fuyghee as tuill aynsyn oddagh oo soie ayndauesyn, agh myr hee oo, ta ny tuill ry-gheddyn foast croghey er cre ny cummaghyn ta soie 'sy voayrd hannah. As foddee nagh vel towl cooie erbee dtys ayns boayrd er lheh. Agh cha nel uss dty chummey neuchramp; ta caghlaaghyn gruaie ayd, as rish çhyndaa mygeayrt s'cosoylagh dy fow uss gruaie ta kiangley dy mie. Ny keayrtyn, she cummey beg t'ayn as dobbyr da gyn bentyn rish ny cummaghyn mygeayrt echey; ny keayrtyn elley t'ou soie ayns mean y voayrd as ta cagh bentyn roo dy fondagh.

As gollrish ny doail, ta ny caarjyn ayd fakin y ghruaie shen son y chooid smoo, as cha nel enney baghtal oc er ny h-Ussyn elley t'ayn, as cha nel ad cliaghtit roo. Agh cha nel eh jannoo y famman ayd eer beggan ny sloo "Uss" jus son y fa dy vel enney ec y fer shoh er dty chleaysh, as y fer elley er dty chass, as ta'n famman ass shilley cagh son y chooid smoo.

S'treisht lhiam dy vel shen baghtal nish.


The elephant, the blind men and the many Yous

Blind monks examining an elephant

A friend of mine said something recently, which I'd like to quote:

Some parts of me are more real when I'm with my parents, or with my partner, or certain friends. I have seen this in my parents, too. It's never occurred to me to behave otherwise.

It's a familiar thought to me (not wishing to sound smug, I was aiming for "thinking with one accord"). I've noticed it repeatedly over the years, that I'm different from occasion to occasion; or better, that there are various mes and the most salient one depends on my company. When I talk to my paternal grandmother, I'm irreverent but considerate, full of affectionate ribbing in a slightly childish vein, but still sympathetic and courteous, for here I play the part of a cheeky grandson in a pretty respectable family. When I talk to my maternal grandmother, I'm pragmatic, cynical, lively and opinionated, with a more Northerly accent; my role here is a grown lad in a family where affection means giving as good as you get, exchanging terrible puns and twinkling eyes, and being bluff and down-to-earth.

At work, I'm a cheery Scouser with the rare students from the north-west, and a polite professional with elderly academics. I'm forthright and take the lead amongst certain friends; in other circles I'm quieter and prefer to let others decide. I offer a shoulder for some folks to lean on, and do my own leaning on other shoulders.

But this sort of thing isn't a deception or anything. Do you know the story of the blind men and the elephant? I think it's a decent comparison here. You're basically the elephant, and like an iceberg...

Okay, this metaphor is getting a bit complicated, but stay with me here.

You're an elephant-iceberg. The best part of you is hidden, and only one facet is usually visible in any particular context.

Pants.

So you're a multifacted elephant-iceberg. A bit like this, except icier. The best part of you is hidden, and only one facet is usually visible in any particular context. When a context arises (like a group of friends) you seek out a suitable gap for yourself, like this.

...

Right, listen. You're a multifacted elephant-iceberg, and social contexts are like a wooden board with holes of varying shapes in them that you can slot into; but as you can see from the link, the holes that exist depend on what shapes are already sitting on the board. Maybe there isn't a suitable hole for you at all in some contexts. But you aren't a simple flat shape; you have many facets, and by turning a little you can typically find one to fit the context, even if it's a small one that barely touches the shapes around it. Other times, you're sat right in the centre with everyone else firmly ensconced around you.

And like the blind men, friends and family will see the facet that's presented to them, and have no clear idea of the other Yous that exist, and aren't familiar with them. But it doesn't make your tail any less "You" that this person here knows your ear, that person knows your foot, and really nobody else ever gets a glimpse of your tail.

I hope that's all clear then.

Friday 13 June 2014

Coontey Randolph Carter

Coontey Randolph Carter

Ta mee ginsh diu reesht, gheiney ooasle; cha neeu erbee eh mish y cheishtey. Pryssoonee mee ayns shoh er son dy bragh my sailliu; jean my ghooney stiagh ny my chur gys baase my ta feme oc er surransagh dys cummal seose y chonrieught ta shiu genmys cairys; cha noddym gra ny smoo ny ny ta grait aym hannah. Dagh ooilley red s'cooin lhiam eh, ta mee er ny ghra dy jeeragh. Cha nel red erbee jeh cassit ny follit aym, as my ta'n chooish neuchruinn foast, shen er coontey ynrican y vodjal dorraghey t'er jeet harrish my aigney - y bodjal shen as dooghys kayeeagh ny scoaghyn hug eh orrym.

Jirrym reesht, cha s'aym cre'n erree haink er Harley Warren, agh er lhiam - s'treisht lhiam, faggys - dy vel eh ec fea er neunhee nish, my ta lheid y stayd sheeant ayn raad erbee. S'feer eh dy vel mee e charrey s'ainjyssee rish queig bleeantyn, as lieh-ayrniagh 'syn aahirrey agglagh jeant echey er cooishyn gyn enney. Cha nee'm jiooldey, ga dy vel my chooinaghtyn neuhickyr as neuchronnal, dy vaik feanishagh ennagh eu y jees ain ec lieh-oor lurg nane-jeig yn oie agglagh shen, as shinyn shooyll ry-cheilley er raad keesh Ghainsville rish Curragh Chuphar Vooar. Shickyreeym dy arryltagh dy dymmyrk shin londeyryn lectragh, kiebbyn, as streng chaslit whaagh as jeshaghtyn kianglt ree; va laue ocsyn ooilley 'sy çhilley owanagh ynrican t'er ny 'owanaghey er my chooinaghtyn jeeillit. Agh er ny haghyr ny yei, as er y fa hooar ad mish my lomarcan as thollaneagh ec oirr ny curree y nah voghrey, shegin dou gra nagh cooin lhiam red erbee agh ny ta mee er n'insh diu reesht as reeshtagh. Dinsh shiu dou nagh vel boayl erbee 'sy churragh ny'n ard oddagh ve ynnyd ny taghyrtyn atçhimagh shen. Ta mee freggyrt nagh vel fys aym agh er ny honnick mee. Foddee dy nee ashlish ny tromlhie v'ayn - s'mian jeean lhiam dy nee ashlish ny tromlhie v'ayn - agh shen ooilley s'cooin lhiam eh jeh taghyrtyn atçhimagh ny h-ooryn erreish dooin faagail tastey deiney. As er y fa nagh daink Harley Warren erash, eshyn ny'n scaa echey - ny nhee ennagh gyn enney nagh noddym soilshaghey magh - cha hoilshee agh y traa shen.

Myr dooyrt mee, va mee ainjyssagh rish studeyrys quaagh Harley Warren, as ghow mee ayrn ayn ny keayrtyn. Mastey'n çhaglym ass towse echey dy lioaryn joarree goaney er cooishyn neulhiggit, ta mee er lhiah dagh fer ta screeut ayns çhengey t'aym; agh t'adsyn beg cosoylit roosyn t'ayns çhengaghyn nagh noddym toiggal. Ta'n chooid smoo jeu ayns Arabish, ta mee credjal; as y lioar jouyll-screeut hayrn y jerrey orrin - lioar hug lesh eh 'sy phoagey echey magh ass y teihll - v'eshyn screeut ayns lettyryn nagh vaik mee rieau y lheid oc. Cha row Warren arryltagh rieau dy insh dou ny v'aynsyn, dy jeeragh. As bentyn rish y studeyrys jeant ain - nhegin dou gra reesht nagh gooin lhiam y clane foast? Er lhiam dy nee myghin t'ayn; she studeyrys agglagh v'ayn, as lhian mee roo kyndagh rish cleaynaghey neuarryltagh, cha nel rish mian hene. Va kioneys ec Warren orrym rieau, as va aggle orrym roish ny keayrtyn. S'cooin lhiam yn aght va mee er craa yn oie roish ny taghyrtyn agglagh, as eshyn loayrt gyn scuirr erbee er y çheiltynys echey, er y fa nagh vel merriu ennagh loauaghey arragh, agh marraghtyn dy fondagh as roayr ayns ny tommanyn oc rish milley bleeaney. Agh cha nel aggle aym roish nish; er lhiam dy vel enney echey nish er scoaghaghyn ass my oayllys. Nish ta aggle aym er-e-hon.

Ta mee ginsh diu reesht nagh vel fys baghtal aym er y dean v'ain yn oie shen. Son shickyrys, v'eh bentyn rish red ennagh 'sy lioar hrog Warren eh - y shenn lioar ayns lettyryn do-lhiah v'er ny roshtyn ass yn Injey mee er dy henney - agh breearreeym nagh row fys aym er ny v'eh jerkal feddyn eh. Ta'n feanishagh eu gra dy vaik eh shin mysh lieh-oor lurg nane-jeig er raad keesh Ghainsville, shooyll cour Curragh Chuphar Vooar. S'feer eh, s'cosoylagh, agh cha gooin lhiam eh dy baghtal. Cha nel agh un çhilley grainnit er my annym, as shegin dasyn ve foddey lurg mean oie; va eayst eairkagh vaarnee ny soie ard ayns ny niaughyn gaalagh.

She shenn ruillick v'ayn; ruillick cho shenn va mee er craa lesh ymmodee cowraghyn bleeantyn ass towse. V'ee ny soie ayns laggan dowin tash, fo lane-choodagh faiyr rank, keynnagh, as sarkil snauee whaagh, as er ny feie haink soar neuchronnal dou chianglee my aigney meecheayllagh rish claghyn molkagh. Er gagh çheu va cowraghyn neuyeadid as drogh-oardrailys ry-akin, as haink eie lhiantynagh orrym dy nee Warren as mish ny kied chretooryn vioey haink stiagh er tostid marrooagh ny h-eashyn. Vlak eayst eairkagh vaarnee hreih harrish oirr y ghlion trooid gaal nieunagh dirree ass oaighyn gyn enney, er lhiam. Fo skaggyn moaley kirkinagh e soilshey dod mee cronnaghey straih graynoil dy leacyn oaie, crockyn, lhiaghtyn cooinaght as eddinyn toman mooar; v'ad ooilley boghlanagh, coodit lesh keynnagh, daahit liorish tashtid, as lieh-'ollit liorish rankid arraghtagh ny glasseraght neufollan.

Y chied chooinaght vaghtal aym jinyn 'sy ruillick agglagh shen, shen Warren as mish scuirr roish lhiaght lieh-naardit er lheh, as lhiggey da laad ennagh va shin er n'ymmyrkey tuittym sheese. Hug mee my ner nish dy row londeyr lectragh as daa chiebbey ayms, choud's va londeyr cosoylagh rish ec my charrey, as farrys çhellvane ymmyrkagh. Cha loayr shin fockle erbee; v'eh jeeaghyn dy row ynnyd as obbyr mie er fys ain daa, as gyn feiyal ghow shin kiebbey y pheesh as goaill toshiaght scughey faiyr, sarkil as thalloo chailjey jeh thie rea shenn-emshiragh ny merriu. Erreish dooin seyrey y lane eaghtyr, as eshyn jeant jeh tree claghyn tryal fouwragh, hayrn shin erash dys goaill towshan jeh'n reayrtys baaish. Er lhiam dy ren Warren co-earroo inçhynagh ennagh. Eisht hooill eh erash da'n oaie, as jannoo eab dy phrisal seose y leac va s'faggys da tholtanagh cloaie va ny lhiaght cooinaghtyn 'sy laa, foddee. Cha daink eh lesh, as chowree eh er son cooney. Fy yerrey, ren y lane niart ain feaysley y leac, as hrog shin eh as seiy eh ass y raad.

Ren arraghey y leac taishbyney barney doo, as gheayrt magh smoghan dy ghas miasmagh cho feodagh lheim shin erash fo grayn. Agh rish tammylt, hayrn shin faggys da'n slogh reesht, as dennee shin dy row y soar ny sloo do-hurranse. Hoilshee ny londeyryn kione roie greeishyn, as ingyr dwoaieagh ennagh y thalloo sthie sheeley harroo, as boallaghyn tash fo scroig neetar ny çhemmalyn oc. As nish son y chied cheayrt ta taggloo beill cooinit aym; Warren loayr rhym er liurid 'sy choraa tennoragh menoyragh echey, as eshyn neuvoirit dy quaagh liorish y çhymbyllaght agglagh mygeayrt-y-mooin.

"S'treih lhiam shassoo ort fuirraghtyn er y thalloo," as eh, "agh by pheccah eh lhiggey da fer cho lhaggey e nearagyn goll sheese ayns shen. Cha nod oo sheiltyn, gyn scansh da ny t'ou er lhiah as ny ta mee er ninsh dhyt, ny vees orrym fakin as jannoo eh. She obbyr jouyllagh t'ayn, Charter, as ta ourys aym dy noddagh fer erbee gyn daanys yiarn ny hurranse as tannaghtyn bio as er e cheayll. Cha mian lhiam frioggan ort, as ta fys ec Jee by voggey dou dty heshaght; agh ta currym orrym, aght ennagh, as cha noddym tayrn lheid y fer nearagagh sheese marym dys baase ny baanrys cosoylagh. Ta mee ginsh dhyt, cha nod oo sheiltyn rieughid y nhee! Agh ta mee gialdyn dy hoilshaghey dagh kesmad y turrys dhyt er y çhellvane - jeeagh, ta streng dy liooar aym dys roshtyn cree ny cruinney as erash!"

Ta ny focklyn shen as e choraa chiune ry-chlashtyn aym foast, as s'cooin lhiam ny çhionnraaghyn hug mee er. By vian jeean dou goll marish my charrey stiagh 'sy çharvaal ghrouw, er lhiam, agh v'eh kione-lajeragh as creoi. Keayrt ennagh vaggyr eh dy 'aagail y jurnaa dy danneein shassooagh; haink y baggyrt shen lesh, er y fa nagh row feaysley y chooish agh echeysyn. S'cooin lhiam ooilley shen, ga nagh gooin lhiam nish cre'n nhee hirr shin. Erreish da cur orrym lhie roish y chiarail echey, hrog Warren y rollian streng as cochiartaghey ny jeshaghtyn. As eshyn snoggal, ghow mee fer jeu as soie sheese er shenn leac oaie daahit ec ny h-eashyn, faggys da'n doarlish noa-feddynit. Eisht chrie ad my laue, as cur y rollian streng er e gheaylin, as skellal stiagh 'sy thie craueyn do-insh.

Rish tammylt, dreill mee shilley er soilshey y losteyr, as va moostrey streng ry-chlashtyn tra hug eh eh sheese ny yei; agh dy gerrid, herree y soilshey dy doaltattym, myr dy row eh er gassey corneil ennagh 'sy roie greeishyn cloaie, as lheie magh y sheean myrgeddin. Va mee my lomarcan, agh er my chiangley da'n diunid gyn enney ec snaieyn obbeeys jeen lhie geayney fo skaggyn moaley ny h-eayst eairkagh vaarnee.

Ayns tostid fadaneagh ard-valley lheeah as treigit ny merriu, ren my inçhyn gientyn scaanyn as conrieughtyn scoaghagh ass towse; as er lhiam dy daink persoonid graney er ny çhiambleyn as leacyn arraghtagh - far-enney ennagh. Va scaanyn gyn cummey lhie cooyl chlea ayns cuilleigyn s'dorree y lhaggan sarkyllagh, er lhiam, as gimman myr cosheeaght drogh-chliaghtagh vollaghtagh shaghey beill ny tommanyn molmagh 'sy lhargagh; scaanyn nagh dod ve ceaut ec yn eayst eairkagh vlakee, treih.

Cheau mee shillaghyn kinjagh er my ooreyder lesh soilshey y losteyr lectragh, as eaishtagh rish y ghlackeyder çhellvane as imnea jeean orrym; agh rish kerroo oor as ny smoo, cha geayll mee veg. Eisht haink criggaraght beg ass y jeshaght, as deam mee sheese da my charrey lesh coraa toghtit. Ga dy row mee twoaieagh, cha row mee aarloo da ny focklyn cheayll mee girree neese magh ass yn ooig neuheiltagh, as y blass orroo scoaghit as er creau erskyn focklyn erbee cheayll mee rieau jeh Harley Warren. Eshyn v'er my 'aagail cho kiune tammylt beg er-dy-henney, v'eh gyllagh neese ayns sannish craagh ny smoo drogh-vonneydagh na screeagh er ard.

"Yee! Dy vaikagh oo ny ta mee fakin!"

Cha dod mee freggyrt. Gyn choraa, cha dod mee agh fuirraghtyn. Loayr y coraa toghtit reesht:

"Charter, t'eh agglagh - eajee - neuchredjallagh!"

Y cheayrt shoh cha huitt my choraa, as gheayrt mee thooilley feyshtyn greesit stiagh 'sy ghlackeyder. As aggle ass towse orrym, dooyrt mee gyn scuirr, "Warren, c'red t'eh? C'red t'eh?"

Haink coraa my charrey reesht, peeaghaneagh lesh aggle, as blass drogh-hreihys er nish.

"Cha noddym ginsh dhyt, Charter! T'eh ass smooinaght dy bollagh - cha lhoys dou gra - cha nod fer erbee tannaghtyn bio as fys echey er - Yee ooilley-niartal! Cha heill mee rieau y lheid!"

Tostid reesht, er lhimmey jeh'n stroo meeresoonagh dy 'eyshtyn gheayrt mee magh er creau. Eisht coraa Warren as ardjey ard-yindys keoie er:

"Charter! Son graih Yee, cur y leac erash as magh ass shoh my foddee uss! Tappee! - Faag y clane as immee çheumooie - shen y caa ynrican dhyt! Jean ny dooyrt mee, as ny shirr baght er orrym!

Cheayll mee, agh cha dod mee agh aaloayrt ny feyshtyn dy baanrit. Va tommanyn as dorraghys as scaanyn mygeayrt aym; as foym va cryggyl erskyn creeagh sheiltynys deiney. Agh va my charrey ayns gaue ny strimmey na mish, as trooid yn aggle va corree ennagh orrym dy chred eh dy noddin treigeil eh rish lheid y tuittymys. Tooilley criggaraght, as farkaght, as eisht yllagh treih ass Warren.

"Fow royd! Son graih Yee, cur y leac erash as trog er, Charter!"

B'vaghtal eh dy row my chumraag lhottit, as ren blass ennagh 'sy raa guilleydagh feaysley my ablid greimmit. Ren as dyllee mee kiarail, "Warren, gow cree! Ta mee çheet sheese!" Agh rish y çhebbal chaghlaa blass my choloayrtagh da yllagh lane veehreishteil:

"Ny jig! Cha nel oo toiggal! T'eh ro-anmagh - as s'lhiams y varranys. Cur y leac erash as roie - cha nel freggyrt erbee ayds ny ec peiagh erbee nish!"

Chaghlaa y coraa reesht, as haink blass kiune er nish, myr surranse gyn doghys. Agh va çhennid imnea er foast er my hon.

"Tappee - roish my vel eh ro-anmagh!"

Ren mee eab gyn cur geill da; dys brishey trooid y neuheiltys voogh mee, as cooilleeiney my vreearrey dy ratçh dy chooney eh. Agh hooar y nah hannish mish foast neughleashagh ayns driaghtyn jiarg-scoagh.

"Charter - jean siyr! Cha nel ymmyd erbee - shegin dhyt goll - ny share un na daa - y leac-"

Scuirr, ny smoo criggaraght, as coraa faase Warren:

"Faggys jeant nish - ny jean eh ny s'creoi - coodee ny greeishyn mollaghtagh as roie er son dty vea - t'ou uss coayl traa - bannaght lhiat, Charter - cha vaikym uss reesht."

As myr shen vooadee sannish Warren dys yllagh; yllagh dirree dy moal dys screeagh lughtit lesh lane ghrayn ny h-eashyn:

"Mollaght er ny nheeghyn iurinagh - çhionnalyn jeu - Graih Yee! Trog er! Trog er! TROG ER!"

As ny yei shen, tostid. Cha s'aym cre wooad dy h-eashyn gyn jerrey hannee mee my hoie as mish thollaneagh; sansheraght, mungley, gyllaghey, screeaghey stiagh 'sy çhellvane. Reesht as reeshtagh car ny h-eashyn shen hanshee mee, as vungil, as dyllee, as deam, "Warren! Warren! Loayr rhym - vel oo ayns shen?"

As eisht haink orrym yn ard-scoagh - y red do-chredjal, do-smooinaghtagh; do-insh, faggys. Ta mee er ngra dy jagh eashyn shaghey erreish da Warren screeaghey magh y raaue meehreishteilagh s'jerree, as nagh vrish agh my focklyn hene y tostid atçhimagh nish. Agh lurg tammylt cheayll mee criggaraght reesht 'sy ghlackeyder, as heeyn mee my chleayshyn da. Dyllee mee sheese reesht, "Warren, vel oo ayns shen?" as myr freggyrt cheayll mee ny t'er cheau y dolley shoh er my inçhyn. Cha nee'm eab, my gheiney seyrey, soilshey y cheau er y chooish - y coraa shen - as cha noddym cur coontey myn jeh noadyr; ren ny kied 'ocklyn raipey ersooyl my enney as faagail folmid cooinaghtyn derrey ghooisht mee 'sy thie lheihys. Lhisin gra dy row eh trome; mooghit; gleiynagh; feayr; neuheihllt; neughooinoil; neuchorpoil? C'red noddym gra? By jerrey my chooinaghtyn eh, as she jerrey my skeeal t'ayn. Cheayll mee eh, as coayl enney - cheayll mee eh as mish lhejit my hoie 'sy ruillick gyn enney 'sy laggan, mastey claghyn as tommanyn boghlanagh, as glasseraght rank, as gaal miasmagh - cheayll mee eh brooightey neese ass brein s'diuney ny h-oiae 'oshlit imshee shen tra ghaunse scaadooghyn merriu-eeagh gyn cummey fo eayst vollaghtagh vaarnee.

As shoh ny dooyrt eh:

"VOLVANE, TA WARREN MARROO!"


The Statement of Randolph Carter

I repeat to you, gentlemen, that your inquisition is fruitless. Detain me here forever if you will; confine or execute me if you must have a victim to propitiate the illusion you call justice; but I can say no more than I have said already. Everything that I can remember, I have told with perfect candour. Nothing has been distorted or concealed, and if anything remains vague, it is only because of the dark cloud which has come over my mind—that cloud and the nebulous nature of the horrors which brought it upon me.

Again I say, I do not know what has become of Harley Warren; though I think—almost hope—that he is in peaceful oblivion, if there be anywhere so blessed a thing. It is true that I have for five years been his closest friend, and a partial sharer of his terrible researches into the unknown. I will not deny, though my memory is uncertain and indistinct, that this witness of yours may have seen us together as he says, on the Gainesville pike, walking toward Big Cypress Swamp, at half past eleven on that awful night. That we bore electric lanterns, spades, and a curious coil of wire with attached instruments, I will even affirm; for these things all played a part in the single hideous scene which remains burned into my shaken recollection. But of what followed, and of the reason I was found alone and dazed on the edge of the swamp next morning, I must insist that I know nothing save what I have told you over and over again. You say to me that there is nothing in the swamp or near it which could form the setting of that frightful episode. I reply that I know nothing beyond what I saw. Vision or nightmare it may have been—vision or nightmare I fervently hope it was—yet it is all that my mind retains of what took place in those shocking hours after we left the sight of men. And why Harley Warren did not return, he or his shade—or some nameless thing I cannot describe—alone can tell.

As I have said before, the weird studies of Harley Warren were well known to me, and to some extent shared by me. Of his vast collection of strange, rare books on forbidden subjects I have read all that are written in the languages of which I am master; but these are few as compared with those in languages I cannot understand. Most, I believe, are in Arabic; and the fiend-inspired book which brought on the end—the book which he carried in his pocket out of the world—was written in characters whose like I never saw elsewhere. Warren would never tell me just what was in that book. As to the nature of our studies—must I say again that I no longer retain full comprehension? It seems to me rather merciful that I do not, for they were terrible studies, which I pursued more through reluctant fascination than through actual inclination. Warren always dominated me, and sometimes I feared him. I remember how I shuddered at his facial expression on the night before the awful happening, when he talked so incessantly of his theory, why certain corpses never decay, but rest firm and fat in their tombs for a thousand years. But I do not fear him now, for I suspect that he has known horrors beyond my ken. Now I fear for him.

Once more I say that I have no clear idea of our object on that night. Certainly, it had much to do with something in the book which Warren carried with him—that ancient book in undecipherable characters which had come to him from India a month before—but I swear I do not know what it was that we expected to find. Your witness says he saw us at half past eleven on the Gainesville pike, headed for Big Cypress Swamp. This is probably true, but I have no distinct memory of it. The picture seared into my soul is of one scene only, and the hour must have been long after midnight; for a waning crescent moon was high in the vaporous heavens.

The place was an ancient cemetery; so ancient that I trembled at the manifold signs of immemorial years. It was in a deep, damp hollow, overgrown with rank grass, moss, and curious creeping weeds, and filled with a vague stench which my idle fancy associated absurdly with rotting stone. On every hand were the signs of neglect and decrepitude, and I seemed haunted by the notion that Warren and I were the first living creatures to invade a lethal silence of centuries. Over the valley's rim a wan, waning crescent moon peered through the noisome vapours that seemed to emanate from unheard-of catacombs, and by its feeble, wavering beams I could distinguish a repellent array of antique slabs, urns, cenotaphs, and mausolean facades; all crumbling, moss-grown, and moisture-stained, and partly concealed by the gross luxuriance of the unhealthy vegetation. My first vivid impression of my own presence in this terrible necropolis concerns the act of pausing with Warren before a certain half-obliterated sepulchre, and of throwing down some burdens which we seemed to have been carrying. I now observed that I had with me an electric lantern and two spades, whilst my companion was supplied with a similar lantern and a portable telephone outfit. No word was uttered, for the spot and the task seemed known to us; and without delay we seized our spades and commenced to clear away the grass, weeds, and drifted earth from the flat, archaic mortuary. After uncovering the entire surface, which consisted of three immense granite slabs, we stepped back some distance to survey the charnel scene; and Warren appeared to make some mental calculations. Then he returned to the sepulchre, and using his spade as a lever, sought to pry up the slab lying nearest to a stony ruin which may have been a monument in its day. He did not succeed, and motioned to me to come to his assistance. Finally our combined strength loosened the stone, which we raised and tipped to one side.

The removal of the slab revealed a black aperture, from which rushed an effluence of miasmal gases so nauseous that we started back in horror. After an interval, however, we approached the pit again, and found the exhalations less unbearable. Our lanterns disclosed the top of a flight of stone steps, dripping with some detestable ichor of the inner earth, and bordered by moist walls encrusted with nitre. And now for the first time my memory records verbal discourse, Warren addressing me at length in his mellow tenor voice; a voice singularly unperturbed by our awesome surroundings.

"I'm sorry to have to ask you to stay on the surface," he said, "but it would be a crime to let anyone with your frail nerves go down there. You can't imagine, even from what you have read and from what I've told you, the things I shall have to see and do. It's fiendish work, Carter, and I doubt if any man without ironclad sensibilities could ever see it through and come up alive and sane. I don't wish to offend you, and heaven knows I'd be glad enough to have you with me; but the responsibility is in a certain sense mine, and I couldn't drag a bundle of nerves like you down to probable death or madness. I tell you, you can't imagine what the thing is really like! But I promise to keep you informed over the telephone of every move—you see I've enough wire here to reach to the centre of the earth and back!"

I can still hear, in memory, those coolly spoken words; and I can still remember my remonstrances. I seemed desperately anxious to accompany my friend into those sepulchral depths, yet he proved inflexibly obdurate. At one time he threatened to abandon the expedition if I remained insistent; a threat which proved effective, since he alone held the key to the thing. All this I can still remember, though I no longer know what manner of thing we sought. After he had secured my reluctant acquiescence in his design, Warren picked up the reel of wire and adjusted the instruments. At his nod I took one of the latter and seated myself upon an aged, discoloured gravestone close by the newly uncovered aperture. Then he shook my hand, shouldered the coil of wire, and disappeared within that indescribable ossuary. For a moment I kept sight of the glow of his lantern, and heard the rustle of the wire as he laid it down after him; but the glow soon disappeared abruptly, as if a turn in the stone staircase had been encountered, and the sound died away almost as quickly. I was alone, yet bound to the unknown depths by those magic strands whose insulated surface lay green beneath the struggling beams of that waning crescent moon.

In the lone silence of that hoary and deserted city of the dead, my mind conceived the most ghastly phantasies and illusions; and the grotesque shrines and monoliths seemed to assume a hideous personality—a half-sentience. Amorphous shadows seemed to lurk in the darker recesses of the weed-choked hollow and to flit as in some blasphemous ceremonial procession past the portals of the mouldering tombs in the hillside; shadows which could not have been cast by that pallid, peering crescent moon. I constantly consulted my watch by the light of my electric lantern, and listened with feverish anxiety at the receiver of the telephone; but for more than a quarter of an hour heard nothing. Then a faint clicking came from the instrument, and I called down to my friend in a tense voice. Apprehensive as I was, I was nevertheless unprepared for the words which came up from that uncanny vault in accents more alarmed and quivering than any I had heard before from Harley Warren. He who had so calmly left me a little while previously, now called from below in a shaky whisper more portentous than the loudest shriek:

"God! If you could see what I am seeing!"

I could not answer. Speechless, I could only wait. Then came the frenzied tones again:

"Carter, it's terrible—monstrous—unbelievable!"

This time my voice did not fail me, and I poured into the transmitter a flood of excited questions. Terrified, I continued to repeat, "Warren, what is it? What is it?"

Once more came the voice of my friend, still hoarse with fear, and now apparently tinged with despair:

"I can't tell you, Carter! It's too utterly beyond thought—I dare not tell you—no man could know it and live—Great God! I never dreamed of THIS!" Stillness again, save for my now incoherent torrent of shuddering inquiry. Then the voice of Warren in a pitch of wilder consternation:

"Carter! for the love of God, put back the slab and get out of this if you can! Quick!—leave everything else and make for the outside—it's your only chance! Do as I say, and don't ask me to explain!"

I heard, yet was able only to repeat my frantic questions. Around me were the tombs and the darkness and the shadows; below me, some peril beyond the radius of the human imagination. But my friend was in greater danger than I, and through my fear I felt a vague resentment that he should deem me capable of deserting him under such circumstances. More clicking, and after a pause a piteous cry from Warren:

"Beat it! For God's sake, put back the slab and beat it, Carter!"

Something in the boyish slang of my evidently stricken companion unleashed my faculties. I formed and shouted a resolution, "Warren, brace up! I'm coming down!" But at this offer the tone of my auditor changed to a scream of utter despair:

"Don't! You can't understand! It's too late—and my own fault. Put back the slab and run—there's nothing else you or anyone can do now!" The tone changed again, this time acquiring a softer quality, as of hopeless resignation. Yet it remained tense through anxiety for me.

"Quick—before it's too late!" I tried not to heed him; tried to break through the paralysis which held me, and to fulfil my vow to rush down to his aid. But his next whisper found me still held inert in the chains of stark horror.

"Carter—hurry! It's no use—you must go—better one than two—the slab—" A pause, more clicking, then the faint voice of Warren:

"Nearly over now—don't make it harder—cover up those damned steps and run for your life—you're losing time— So long, Carter—won't see you again." Here Warren's whisper swelled into a cry; a cry that gradually rose to a shriek fraught with all the horror of the ages—

"Curse these hellish things—legions— My God! Beat it! Beat it! Beat it!"

After that was silence. I know not how many interminable aeons I sat stupefied; whispering, muttering, calling, screaming into that telephone. Over and over again through those aeons I whispered and muttered, called, shouted, and screamed, "Warren! Warren! Answer me—are you there?"

And then there came to me the crowning horror of all—the unbelievable, unthinkable, almost unmentionable thing. I have said that aeons seemed to elapse after Warren shrieked forth his last despairing warning, and that only my own cries now broke the hideous silence. But after a while there was a further clicking in the receiver, and I strained my ears to listen. Again I called down, "Warren, are you there?", and in answer heard the thing which has brought this cloud over my mind. I do not try, gentlemen, to account for that thing—that voice—nor can I venture to describe it in detail, since the first words took away my consciousness and created a mental blank which reaches to the time of my awakening in the hospital. Shall I say that the voice was deep; hollow; gelatinous; remote; unearthly; inhuman; disembodied? What shall I say? It was the end of my experience, and is the end of my story. I heard it, and knew no more. Heard it as I sat petrified in that unknown cemetery in the hollow, amidst the crumbling stones and the falling tombs, the rank vegetation and the miasmal vapours. Heard it well up from the innermost depths of that damnable open sepulchre as I watched amorphous, necrophagous shadows dance beneath an accursed waning moon. And this is what it said:

"YOU FOOL, WARREN IS DEAD!"